Guide to Wall Street Lingo

Don’t say Mike Panzner is a dour guy.

Just because he wrote a book titled Financial Armageddon: Protecting Your Future from Four Impending Catastrophes doesn’t mean he doesn’t have sense of humor.

Take, for example, this email he pinged me with yesterday. It is a short guide to definitions you will find handy if you are curious about various terms bandied about on the Street of dreams.

Its a perfect slice of humor for a lazy summer Friday while I am out  of pocket . . .
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The Permabull’s Guide to Wall Street Lingo

Analysts: Highly paid cheerleaders who figure out ways to make stocks appear cheap

Bad news: Events that cause the Federal Reserve to cut interest rates so that share prices go up

Bears: Sad, lonely people who don’t appreciate why equity prices invariably move higher

Brokers: Specially-trained relationship managers who convert mere mortals into super-bulls

Bulls: Well-bred equity investors

Bond market: The place where stock market bears are sent out to pasture for their wayward views

Cash: Realized gains that equity investors spend on fancy vacations and assorted luxury items

Dividends: A positive influence on stock prices

Economy: An irrelevant side show to what happens in the equity market

Fear: An emotion that bulls experience when they are not 100% invested

Federal Reserve Board: A group of public officials who do their best to ensure that bulls are happy

Fundamentals: Anything that can help explain why stock prices rally

Greed: The only emotion that matters when it comes to playing the stock market

Hedge funds: Aggressive investors who use lots of leverage to ensure that stock prices eventually go up

Interest rates: A factor that occasionally serves as an explanation for why stocks rally

Leverage: The fail-safe strategy of using borrowed money to boost returns as share prices rise

Losses: The net result of selling short and listening to bond traders

Mutual funds: Investment vehicles that enable bulls to remain fully invested in the equity market at all times

Short-sellers: Dour individuals who scramble to cover bad bets as stock prices rally

Strategists: Highly paid cheerleaders who figure out ways to make stocks appear cheap

Wall Street: The place where bulls congregate and fawn over one another.

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Terrific stuff, Mike.  Thanks!

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  1. jmf commented on Aug 3

    Bravo!

  2. costa commented on Aug 3

    my favorite

    Economy: An irrelevant side show to what happens in the equity market

  3. Bob A commented on Aug 3

    You might add to that (as I watch Erin try to persuade her guests to predict the Fed will cut next week)
    CNBC=SuckerTV

  4. Guy Lerner commented on Aug 3

    He forgot to mention how all markets are bull markets; if stocks go down, it is time to buy more because they are “cheap” and if they go up, it is time to buy more because they are not getting any cheaper!!! Hey you can’t lose with that strategy? Can you?

  5. IM commented on Aug 3

    equity: the opposite of gravity

  6. David commented on Aug 3

    I also liked the “Economy” definition.

    Here’s another one for the lexicon:

    Buying Opportunity: Much heralded market inflection point which immediately precedes a terrific plunge.

  7. johntron commented on Aug 3

    BSC starting to look good for a quick flip @ 109…..but I wonder if this is what some hapless soul said about Drexel on some Friday afternoon back in the day.

  8. Bob A commented on Aug 3

    Does it seem ironic to anyone but me that much of the money being lost on the subprime meltdown may very likely have come from high wealth individuals who took their Bush tax cuts and put it into hedge funds who loaned the money to people with questionable credit in the form of 0 down home loans?

  9. techy commented on Aug 3

    i was watching cnbc for the first time in afternoon…..did not know that they have theatrics of cramer included…..

    cramer was shouting at full power asking for fed help to mortgage industry and to cut the rate…..he must be worried that the party is coming to end….and even his show will get canned since nobody will be making money just because they buy stocks

  10. Neal commented on Aug 3

    Rating Agencies: Naive hookers who had a date with the devil but are still surprised by the birth of the demon child 9 months after the fact.

  11. Bob A commented on Aug 3

    Market Meltdown: another reason we need more tax cuts for the wealthy (just ask Larry Kudlow).

  12. matt m. commented on Aug 3

    “Lazy summer Friday”

    Are we trading the same markets?

    Are you sure you’re runnin’ money?

    Just kiddin’ big guy.

  13. KirkH commented on Aug 3

    Yowza, that was ugly. Housing coming home to roost.

  14. Michael C. commented on Aug 3

    >>>http://www.cnbc.com/id/15840232?video=452808336&play=1

    Required viewing, imo.<<< In all seriousness, does anyone know if Cramer is ok? I thought he reached a crescendo at 2:30 minutes into the video and had an aneurysm. Is he alright?

  15. Bob A commented on Aug 3

    Don’t you hit the mute button when Cramer’s on? Try it. Your life will be better for it.

  16. Alex Khenkin commented on Aug 3

    “Does it seem ironic to anyone but me that much of the money being lost on the subprime meltdown may very likely have come from high wealth individuals who took their Bush tax cuts and put it into hedge funds who loaned the money to people with questionable credit in the form of 0 down home loans?”

    This may be a perfect example of “equilibrium” John Hussman writes about often. I find understanding this kind of money flow dynamics to be essential for comprehending the (B)big (P)picture (thank you Barry!).

  17. johntron commented on Aug 3

    and add this definition of AAA per Bill Gross:

    the makeup, those six-inch hooker heels, and a “tramp stamp.” Many of these good looking girls are not high-class assets worth 100 cents on the dollar.

    hahah, Bill you crack up me.

  18. VJ commented on Aug 3

    Gee, looks like the Purple Kool-Aid tanker truck musta broke down on it’s way to making the delivery to Wall Street today.

    Reality bites.
    .

  19. KirkH commented on Aug 3

    Cramer “We have armageddon”

    He sounds scared, crazy.

  20. stormrunner commented on Aug 3

    On the Cramer thing, bout time someone has the nads to put the blame where the blame is due. This debt money system is performing exactly as designed. If they want to continue with the con there gonna have to step up, joe6pac is catching on.

  21. Groty commented on Aug 3

    Bear Stearns is too big to blow up. With over $400 billion of assets, nearly all financed with debt, there are too many counter-parties who would blow up with them. The whole system would be brought down.

    No wonder Cramer is so passionate.

    I wonder what Biderman thinks now?

  22. Bob A commented on Aug 3

    Is that the same Cramer who telling you to buy everything at the top?

  23. Chris commented on Aug 3

    I make my living transcribing conference calls and other stuff, and these definitions are frighteningly true.

  24. Winston Munn commented on Aug 3

    Actually, there is a plausible explanation for Cramer’s outburst. Pill manufacturers have offshored production to China; the latest imports accidentally added blue pill coloring to the red pills; the FDA didn’t check the shipment, being too busy with the latest Chinese dog food shipments, and thus millions of normally drug-addled minds mistakenly took the red pill.

    No wonder it seemed like Armageddon.

  25. Don commented on Aug 5

    Volatility: when stocks fail to rally or hold steady due to overreaction to short term “bad” news; inevitably sets up a buying opportunity and flushes out the bearsfor another goring

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