Doug Kass’ Dr. Seuss Poem

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ’till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.— Dr. Seuss, How the Grinch Stole Christmas


It all started in June 1996, in a building on Wall Street … far, far away.

“Young man,” exclaimed the analyst,
“You’re sort of a fright!
You’ll never catch winners
On Jim Cramer’s site!

“The site is too small.
And, you might as well know it,
When brokers sell junk
Here’s the place that they throw it.

“You might catch a Bear
You might catch a Mae or a Mac
As in Fannie and Freddie
Or maybe a WaMu!

But listen, young man.
If you sat 50 years
With your worms and your wishes
You’d grow a long beard
Long before you’d catch winners!”

“Hmmm…,” answered Cramer,
“It may be you’re right.
I’ve written for hours
Without one single bite.
There might be no winners.
But, again, well, there might!

“‘Cause you never can tell
What goes on over time!
This site might be bigger
Than you or I find!”

This might be a site, like I’ve read of in textbooks,
Connected to one of those underground brooks!
An underground river that starts here and flows
Right under 14 Wall! And then … well, who knows?

It might keep going along, down where no one can see,
Right under the State Highway Two-Thousand-and-Three!
Right under the buildings! Right under the toes
Of our Editorial Chief, Dave Morrow, who’s hanging out clothes!

It might keep on flowing … perhaps, who can tell?
Right under the people in Bossman Tom Clarke’s hotel!
Right under Morgan Stanley, where they’re playing croquet!
Then under the mountains and far, far away!

“This might be a river, Now mightn’t it be,
Connecting Jim Cramer’s site with the sea!
Then maybe some winners might be swimming toward me.
(If such things could be, They certainly would be!)

“Some very smart strategists might point out the way
To the site where I’m fishing. And that’s why I say
If you wait long enough; if you’re patient and bright,
Who knows what you’ll catch on Jim Cramer’s site?!

You might catch a Count (Dvorchak by name!)
You might catch some Arms
You might catch a Schiller
A long, long drawn-out fish!

Any kind! Any shape! Any color or size!
You might catch some winners that would open your eyes!
I won’t be surprised if a (Rev) Shark appears!
Complete with a collar and long floppy ears!
Whoofing along! And perhaps we might chase
A whole lot of Atayan right straight to this place!

You might catch a Birenberg
With a precision-like tail!
You might catch Scotty
Who makes portfolios sail!
You might catch some Meisler
Who’s a high-stepping winner.
You might catch a Danny That’s Danny — my editor!

You might catch a Farrell
With that incredible pen
For producing the models
That winners portend.

You might catch a Johnson (there’s two!)
A Chandler or a Bensignor
Or even a Farley
Who is really sporty!
You might catch a Hughes/Maragioglio
Now mightn’t you now…?!

You might catch an Au
Whose ideas pay for my chow.
Some fish from L.A.
Like Kahn Man — so hot,
Might decide to sign up!
Well they might … might they not?

Or racing up north for a chance to get right,
Full steam ahead for Jim Cramer’s site
Some lucrative winners
Like the Dr. Bobby Marcin
From beyond Hudson Bay
Might decide to swim down,
Might be headed Jim’s way!

It’s a pretty long trip,
But they might
And they may.

You might catch a Dicker
Well, you might. It depends.
A long-twisting short-selling Kedrosky
With a lot of strange bends
And, oddly enough,
With a pen on both ends!

One doesn’t catch this kind of winner as a rule,
But the chances are fine in Jim Cramer’s pool!

You might find a Sterman
An observer with muscle,
Might grab at your bait,
Then would you have a tussle!

To land one so valuable might take two or three hours,
But the next might be easy…
Like Fitzpatrick, who likes flowers
Or you might catch a winner
From a stranger place yet!
Like Grant Gates from the world’s highest river,
In far-off Tibet.

You might catch a Merkel
And a biggie named Crescenzi
Both spouting their spouts
And all earning a bounty.

You’ll probably catch many more writers
Like Norton and Nusbaum
And, oh by the way,
Did I mention Najarian?

Then you’ll stop for the day
‘Cause there’s nothing that’s bigger
Than Jim’s site, so they say.

Still, of course,
It might be
That there is something bigger!
Someone like Barry Ritholtz
A Thing-A-Ma-Jigger!
Barry’s a fundamentalist so big, if you know what I mean,
That he makes a whale look like a tiny sardine!

Oh, the site is full of a number of newbies,
Like Bolling, Byrne, Conley and Ferayorni
If a subscriber is patient,
He might get many more winners!

And that’s why I think
That we all get really bright
As we sit here and read
On Jim Cramer’s site!

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