Your Vote, Your Corporate Welfare Electives

Josh Brown — the blogger formerly known as the Reformed Broker — is experiencing side effects including nausea, bloating, dizziness, and loss of domain name. I don’t want to point any fingers, but it appears that Punxatawny Phil from Stocktwits totally fucked up effected a minor but repairable administrative error, wherein Josh’s Reformed Broker domain name was allowed to expire.

The people responsible for this error have been sacked.

While the matter is in litigation, we have offered the Reformed Broker, aka the Stock Rabbi, the use of TBP. Here’s Josh:

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US Corporations are a lot like Wesley Snipes – they used to kick ass but now they spend most of their time trying to avoid paying taxes.

As a patriot, I yearn to see Corporate America put back atop its pedestal and restored to its rightful place in the Pantheon of Human Achievement.

This Fall, We The People have an historic opportunity to vote for our favorite corporations and interest groups via their sponsorees and political champions in the House and Senate  I hope that you will consider the below bullet points before riding your Medicare-subsidized scooter to the polls:

1.  Wal-Mart is a miracle of entrepreneurship. Never mind the fact that the planet’s largest retailer of heavy-duty lawn chairs and bacon-infused spring water has been aided along the road to triumph by just about every state government and agency in the country.  Pay no attention to the fact that the company hands out state medicaid enrollment forms to its employees that are meant to be reserved for poor people.  Don’t you concern yourself that 90 percent of their distribution centers were paid for with public money in the name of “creating jobs”.

2. Oil exploration is a shared endeavor, oil selling is a corporate one. How dare you criticize $30 billion in tax subsidies that have gone toward the costs of oil exploration by the major integrated oil producers?  Do you hate America?  Would you rather that $30 billion be wasted on some fruity advanced battery research program or some stupid 5 year plan to end our dependence on Middle Eastern energy imports?  Don’t be silly, we’ve been doing it this way for decades, it can’t be wrong!

3.  Making corporations pay taxes makes them less competitive in the global marketplace. I see absolutely no problem with our attempt to become “an export-driven economy” while allowing corporations to retain all earnings from overseas business.  How could this possibly blow up in our faces of the long-term.  And hey, corporations in Luxembourg don’t have to repatriate any profits, and our economy is uncannily similar to Luxembourg’s in every way imaginable.  As long as we don’t allow American citizens the same ability to shield income from the Federal government, everything should work out just fine.

4.  No, zero percent rates are NOT Corporate Welfare for the nation’s banks. How could you even cast an aspersion like that?  Look, if a few million seniors have to struggle to earn a low-risk fixed income while the banks get to borrow from the left hand of the government while lending back to the right at a guaranteed spread, so be it!  After all, you think those record banker bonuses that support so many BMW dealerships and European hair dressers come from thin air?  Besides, it is a known fact that handing money to bank employees is way more stimulative than whatever meager spending we might see in and around the Boca Raton retirement communities.

Please be sure to keep the above factors in mind as you prepare to vote for your congressional corporate representatives next month.  Someone’s going to get taxpayer subsidies, you may as well have a hand in choosing where they go.